


Try This If You Dare

by DarchangelSkye



Category: Canadian Idol RPF, Canadian Music RPF, Hedley, Music RPF, Real Person Fiction, Rock Music RPF
Genre: Author - Character - Freeform, Crack, Fourth Wall, Humor, M/M, Originally Posted on LiveJournal, Screenplay/Script Format, The Author Regrets Nothing, Wordcount: 1.000-5.000, Written in 2006
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-08-09
Updated: 2010-08-09
Packaged: 2017-10-11 00:35:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,204
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/106292
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DarchangelSkye/pseuds/DarchangelSkye
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>My bizarre twisted take on Hedley's "Try This At Home" DVD.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Try This If You Dare

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [My Hard Bullet In Your Soft, Crinkly Bible: A Slashumentary](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/1284) by http://nightsofcydonia.livejournal.com/. 



> Chapters "Pisshead" and "Chocolate Covered What?!" were skipped as I couldn't sit thru 'em long enough to make 'em funny. And when you think about it, can you blame me?

WITCHFINDER GENERAL'S WARNING: This cracked out remix still features the same disgusting, disreputable, and lewd acts and stunts performed by idiots under the trained supervision of professionals. But a new disturbing element has been added- the sense of humor of an intellectual/pop-culture addict, including obscure references, fandom-in-jokes, non-sequiturs, breaking the fourth wall, and mind-in-the-gutter mentality. Scary. Therefore, not only do the producers insist that no person attempt to reenact or recreate any activity or stunt performed in the following scenes, they also insist that a medical professional be on hand during reading. The producers accept no flames/liability in case of brain freeze/fatal injury. This is the last line of defense. You're on your own now. *shoots self for unintentional pun*

*Opening montage to '3.2.1.' Performance shots, bad lip-synching, humping on-and-off-stage, beer guzzling, the usual hiijinks.*  
STARRING...  
J.Ho  
Chia Dave  
The Crippler  
Tommy ~~Servo~~ Mac  
FEATURING...  
Sean "The Democrat" Maestri (the one producer who did not take part in writing the disclaimer)  
SimCity Klugerman (cameraman/go-fer)  
AND INTRODUCING...  
Dan Simpson as The Beaver...uh, I mean Pirate

*Fade in, Jacob in a swivel-chair. Yo, check out the new Crowley tattoos!*  
Jacob: Welcome to the DVD! Anyone wanna see my Sharon Stone impression?  
Chris: *off-screen* CUT TO THE VIDEO!

*"Hedley For Life" begins. Fade in, tattoo shop segment y'all saw on Much about fifty times already*  
Jacob: Screw the Hedley logo, I want the naked mermaid!  
Sim: Bzhuh?  
Jacob: I'm a sucker for blonde curls.  
Sim: Where's her shells?  
Jacob: Shells chafe...so I've heard. *shifty eyes*  
Tommy: *dropped pants, lying on table* Does this Misfits skull make me look fat?  
Steve: Well, if it ain't my favorite ass. *snaps rubber gloves*  
Tommy: *bigsweats*  
Jacob: *shaking his ass* Look at that blubber fly!  
*needle buzz*  
Jacob: FuckfuckfuckFUUUCK that hurts!  
Tommy: That's not what you said last night.  
*New shot, parking lot*  
Jacob: *Detroit* parking lot to you, missy!  
Dave: *holding hands with Jake and Tom* Kumbaya, my lord...  
Tommy: *on cell phone* Can you hear me now?  
Chris: FINALLY, let me on the DVD, you fuckers! *joins circle*  
Dave: I loves you guys.  
Jacob: Seeing as I never got to run around in my birthday suit last night- *drops pants*  
Tommy: I'm betting two, three pixels, max.  
Chris: *deadpan* Oh horror, assault with a dead weapon.  
Dave: *swoons*  
*New shot, why is Jake running with a floor fan?*  
Jacob: Make way, target practice coming through!  
*everyone throws fruit at the fan*  
Floor fan: I did not sign up for this. *falls over in indignity*  
Jacob: *brings lighter to aerosol can* Remember kids, if you're not a rock star, this will kill you! *OMG FLAMEZ* Ow, shit!

*"Ass Flames" begins. Fade in, random backstage*  
Dan: Are you lighting my water bottle?  
Jacob: Uh...maybe.  
Bottle: Oh, what a world, what a world...*melts*  
Tommy: How 'bout them Lakers? *BRAAAAAAAAAAP*  
Jacob: *lights belch* Dragon!  
Tommy: *proverbial light bulb, drops pants*  
Groupie #1: Don't burn his balls off, I'll need those later!  
*sequence of flames where flames should never be*  
DarchangelSkye: *too chicken to describe said sequence. Throw me a friggin' bone, I could barely get through this chapter!*  
Groupie #2: Oh mah gawwwwwd...  
Jacob: And how does *your* ass feel?  
Chris: No different, actually.  
Jacob: *torches wall* Leaving autographs is *so* 1973.  
*New shot, Jake climbing on top of trailer*  
Jacob: Impressions! "Cat On A Hot Tin Roof"- *hotfoot dance* Ow, where's my sandals?  
Tommy: You don't want your sandals.  
Jacob: I want my sandals!  
Tommy: Pussy. *tosses sandals up* *to Sim* Should I tell him what Dave was doing with them?

*"I Immediately Regret This Decision" starts. Fade in, random stage, Jake's leg looks guh-ruh-OSE-eh*  
Jacob: I cut my fuckin' le-e-e-eg!  
Dan: That's what you get for falling off Yellowcard's trailer.  
Jacob: Fuckin' Yellowcard.  
*New shot, inside of van*  
Jacob: Fucked up and drunk, what else is new?  
Chris: *drunk and passed out*  
Dan: He's not going in the emergency room, not after last time.  
Jacob: There's a lesson kids, don't replace someone's IV bag with melonade.  
*New shot, Jake on hospital bed*  
Jacob: *melodrama* I'm only filming this because I love my fans! *sniff*  
Dan: Freak.  
Jacob: *on cell phone with Angry Dad* Yeah, I'm missing half my shit *and* I'm gay-  
Every fangirl in a ten-mile radius: *collects fifty bucks from her friends* Told ya.  
Jacob: Nothin' a rubber glove can't get ya! *snaps 'em on* Safe sex, kids.  
Nurse Susan: *sticks needle in Jake's goddamn leg*  
Jacob: Yeah, that's the cure for a broken spine.  
*nurse Susan puts antiseptic on the very gross-looking cut*  
Jacob: No, not the iodine! Amputate my leg, pierce it with a kitchen knife, but not the- AUUUUUGH!  
Dan: *evil laugh*  
Jacob: Nodon'ttouchitaaaaaaaaa- *orgasm face*  
*thick black stitches, Jake bites his hand and keeps up the orgasm face*  
Jacob: Fuck you Dan, fuck you Yellowcard, fuck you AAAAAAA!  
*New shot, Jake in wheelchair*  
Jacob: Great, now I'm Oracle Mark II.

*"Heavy Petting" starts. Fade in, Calgary Exhibition and Stampede*  
Jacob: Whaddya know, smells like Abbotsford- *sniff* Waitasec, that's not angel farts.  
Hedley: *shoveling out cow stalls while cameras click from every direction*  
Tommy: Goddamn community service.  
Jacob: *pets cow's ass* Mmm, unprocessed burgers...  
Cow: o_O  
Bald guy: *corrals sheep*  
Jacob: Ever wanted to see a naked sheep, here's your chance! *whips out razor*  
Sheep: I did not sign up for this.  
Dave: *posing on sheep wool* Playgirl, here I come!  
Chris: *steals pink hat* This is so my color.  
Tommy: *milking cow* Ahhh, prison flashbacks.  
Jacob: *gets in a little "practice" with the udder, nudgenudge winkwink*  
*New shot, some kitchen*  
Tommy: Cool, face-slapping pitas.  
Dave: *slams pita package willy-nilly*  
Pitas: Aw, can't I loaf just a little longer?  
Jacob: My, what strong arms you have.  
Dave: Why didn't you say that last night? *hits Jake with pitas*

*"Shire Tanannigans" starts. Fade in, interview with Dave*  
Dave: So, I pretty much trust Jacob with my life ~~because I love him~~, like this one time, with a big rubber truck tire...  
DarchangelSkye: EXTREME FLASHBACK! *waves arms* Dooly-do, dooly-do, dooly-do...  
*New shot, abandoned warehouse lot*  
Jacob: Dear baby Jesus, help us get our good friend Dave into this nasty smelly truck tire-  
Dave: *sotto voce* Then again, maybe not.  
Rest of Hedley: *singing "Crazy" as they stuff Dave in the tire*  
DarchangelSkye: *realizes she got a shoutout and swoons*  
Jacob: You gotta be more flexible like me! *drops pants and tries getting himself off*  
Tommy: Holy shit, I thought only Marilyn Manson could do that!  
Chris and Jacob: *run to abandoned warehouse and find a much bigger tire*  
Jacob: *rolling tire out* It's not the size of the tire, it's how much rubber you can burn, yknowwhatI'msayin'?  
Chris: He better get in there, I have a bet with Sim.  
Tommy and Sean: *humming Auld Lang Syne*  
Jacob and Dave: *tender kiss*  
Fangirls: *swoon*  
Jacob: And your name will live on in the history books ~~as the biggest fish in the universe~~-  
Tommy: And his coffin will be made entirely out of coconuts, thank you.  
Chris: *chants* Rosin, Rosin, he's our man, if he can't do it- I'm out fifty bucks.  
Rest of Hedley: *rolls Dave and tire down the lot*  
Dave: Here, stomach, here, stomach, here stomaaaach!  
Jacob: Get the building outta the way!  
Warehouse: Fuck that, I ain't movin'.  
Jacob: *finally stops the tire*  
Dave: *crawls out of tire, imitates trumpet fanfare, collapses in his friends' arms*  
*New shot, showtime!*  
Dave: *break-dance* Billie Jean is not my love-er...  
Jacob: *break-dance* Annnd you just got served.  
Dave: Ohnoyoudi'n't. *dances again*  
Jacob: *dances again* pwnd.  
*New shot, some Stop'N'Go*  
Jacob and Dan: *play Frisbee with frozen pizza*  
Stop'N'Go clerk: I don't get paid enough.

*"Phantom Menace To Society" starts. Fade in on what is obviously a Wal-Mart despite all the blurred signs*  
Jacob: *drives floor-waxer around* Hmm, two DVDs for $11..."Canadian Idol Uncensored", what the hell?  
Chris and Jacob: *fooling around in toy department*  
Chris: *imitating toy fish* NEMO! Has anyone seen my son, Nemo?  
Jacob: No shirt, squeaky shoes, no problem!  
Shoes: *squeak squeak squeak*  
Chris: *finds light saber* HelLO, phallic imagery! *sneaks up behind Jake and hits him*  
Jacob: *runs for life, finds another light saber* Wait, I can't get it out!  
Chris: If I had a nickel for every time I heard that.  
Jacob and Chris: *light saber fight, knock Spiderman suit willy-nilly, knock Evangelion and Star Wars toys willy-nilly*  
Innocent bystander: Boy, TV must be lousy today.

*"Dude, It's Crippin" starts. Fade in, interview with Tommy*  
Tommy: The reason Dave and I room together ~~besides that he's good in bed~~ is because he's not batshit crazy like some drummer I know...  
*New shot, interview with Jake*  
Jacob: Yeah, Chris and I are roommates, which already creates a fuckin' bond of having to put up with each other...  
DarchangelSkye: *resists obvious joke about Elmer's vs. Aqua Lube*  
*New shot, hotel hallway*  
Chris: *drunk off his ass, singing* It's a long way to Tipperary...  
Sign on wall: Tipperary, 3 KM.  
Chris: Oh.  
Jacob *waves key card* w00t! Interband war!  
Chris: *steals camera and scans it up and down Jake's nekkid form* Oh yeah, that's what I'm talkin' 'bout.  
Jacob: Do these make me look fat...oh, wait.  
Chris: *in Dave and Tom's hotel room* Not even anything to throw out the window...  
*Cut back, interview with Jake*  
Jacob: ...so I threw him out the window instead. *beat* *cheeky grin*

*"Streetfighting" starts. Montage to 'Streetfight' involving more bad lip-synching and half-naked boys wrestling all over each other. Mmm, half-naked boys... (singing) "Chances are, that I'll kick your scrawny ass.. "*  
Tommy: *showing off his bruises* This one came from the whip, this one came from the paddle, I think this one came from the cattle prod...  
Dave: *re: Tommy* Yeah, he takes it like a man. Good boy. *winkwink*  
*New shot, Jake randomly spitting on the grass*  
Sim: *off-screen* So why not the other guys?  
Jacob: I tried, but they cry like little girls. Talk about a fuckin' weakness.  
*New shot, Chris half-asleep*  
Chris: Nobody fucks with the drummer, I have authoritah, now get the hell outta my bed.  
*Cut back, interview with Tom*  
Tommy: Yeah, I like it anyway. *cheeky grin*

*"Good Times Tommy" starts. Fade in, interview with Dave*  
Dave: So the first thing I notice about Tommy is his *coughcough* sparkly silver bass. Yeah, that's it.  
*New shot, Chris with a guitar*  
Chris: Nope, there's nobody I love more than Tommy, and nothing says love like starin' that motherfucker down. *laugh* *grumble* *strum*  
*New shot, fairground, Tom getting the handcuffs*  
Tommy: Wow, thanks for getting the stripper to dress like a cop- *handcuffs snap* Oh shit.  
Jacob: Thanks ossifer, I'll take it from here. *depantses Tom, smacks his ass*  
Tommy: *sotto voce* Pfft, shoulda seen this coming.  
*New shot, interview with Jake*  
Jacob: Yeah, I don't really mind the age gap between us...last boyfriend almost got me arrested. *coughcough*  
*New shot, Jake and Tom at satellite radio station*  
Jacob: And you're listening to KPORN- sleazy, slutty music all morning long...  
Tommy: *spinning on chair* Jake, stop this crazy thing!

*"Hedley + Guns = HIDE" starts. Fade in, Hedley in shooting range*  
Chris: So, civilian targets are worth fifty points?  
Dave: *missing target* Well, that's what you get for loading your guns with Tootsie Rolls.  
*group poses with big machine guns*  
Chris: Compensating? Not at all, why do you ask?  
*New shot, Hedley in empty alley with pellet guns*  
Jacob: *sneaks around corner* Hedley, come out and play-ay...  
Tommy: *aims gun at camera* THIS...is my boomstick. Next one of you primates even TOUCHES me...  
*New shot, Jake chasing random guy with pellet gun*  
Guy: Dude, you're going to get me in the eye!  
Jacob: What eye, your face is blurred out.  
Guy: Dick.

*"Jake Unleashed" starts. Fade in, Ottawa street.*  
Sean: Ottawa, three in the morning, and Jacob is five sheets to the wind drunk. Figures.  
Jacob: *stripping off shirt and singing* Lookit what's happened to mee--eee, I can't believe it my-self... suddenly I'm up on top-of-the-world, it should've been somebody ellllllse...  
Chris: Actually, that's only two sheets.  
Jacob: *leaps over car, falls flat on his ass* I meant to do that. *runs off*  
*New shot, Jacob hugging fire hydrant*  
Fire hydrant: Woof, did you put on deodorant this morning?  
Jacob: I'm not hugging, I'm *stuck!*  
Sean: Fucker. *peels him off and they fall against a bar sign*  
Jacob: Highlander Pub! Can we go there next?  
*New shot, some kitchen*  
Jacob: Startin' to get numb...three darts is...TOO MUCH! *Jake fall down, go boom*  
Dan: *pokes him with a stick*  
*New shot, interview with Chris*  
Chris: So here's how crazy he is, idiots get their names tattooed on each other's asses ~~and didn't even invite me~~!

*"Tommy And Jakes For Life?" starts. Fade in, different tattoo shop*  
Jacob: *shows off autograph on paper scrap* That's right, property of Jacob Hoggard, bitches.  
Dino: *fishes tattoo needles out of paint tin*  
Tommy: *getting his ass shaved* Ho-hum, another Wednesday afternoon...  
*needle buzzes and Tom almost swoons as he gets a flashback of his birthday*  
Jacob: *now getting his ass shaved* Funny, that mole wasn't there yesterday.  
Tommy: *to Dino* Um...can I have another needle? Mine sunk.

*"The Road" starts. Fade in, Jake on a sidewalk with a backpack*  
Jacob: Well, that's the last time I miss the bus.  
*following montage to 'Saturday'. More bad lip-synching and shots of the guys sleeping in various locations and positions- and no, not like that- yet ;)*  
Dan: *driving* *trying not to fall asleep* *head nods down* *head back up* --Football practice!  
Dave: *sleeping in baggage claim* "No carry-ons over 100 pounds", my ass.  
Sim: *filming out van window, mass stretch of land* This is *so* not Illinois.  
Chris: Albany? Weren't we just in Chicago?  
Sean: *with karaoke hairbrush* iiiiiiiiii...ain't got no-boddddday!  
*montage over, back to monkey business in the van*  
Jacob: Baseball Derby! *beans Tom with a ball*  
Tom: *falls over*  
Jacob: Swing and a miss! Strike one!  
Chris: Well, that was pretty foul...  
Dave: But he did it anyway. That takes balls.  
Dan: That or he hasn't gotten to first base, if you know what I mean.  
*Ladies and gentlemen, the Baseball Sketch! Thank you very much!*  
*New shot, some gas station*  
Baby crab: *scuttling along gravel, minding his own business, when-*  
Chris: Twenty bucks, Jake, in your mouth.  
Baby crab: o_O *scuttles for life*  
Jacob: *leans down* Hmm, a little butter, little tartar sauce... *pokes crab*  
Baby crab: Homey don't play that. *pinch*  
Jacob: *jumps/flails/dances like a little girl*  
Chris: Wuss. *chases crab*  
*insert "Foggy Mountain Breakdown" here*  
Chris: Gotcha, ya bastard- *PINCH!* Fuck! *drops crab and flails like a little girl*  
Baby crab: *scuttles away and laughs*

*skip ahead, skip ahead, "Evad's Birthday" starts. Fade in, interview with Tom*  
Tommy: OK, so I once shot the back of Dave's head with a BB gun, but at least he beat the crap outta me. *cheeky grin*  
*Dooly-do flashback to said scuffle* (Oh god, you aren't having flashbacks AGAIN, are you? I warned you against sniffing dandelions, but nooOOOoooo...)  
Jacob: w00t, chickfight!  
Dave: *with Tom in a bodylock* Pop a cap in MY skull, biatch? *pile-drives Tom to the van floor*  
Tommy: *whimpers* Thank you sir, may I have another?  
Sim: *filming the chaos* Mmm…BDSM…tastes like blood...  
*New shot, interview with Chris*  
Chris: Yeah, once in a while Dave gets evil ~~which is totally hot~~...  
*New shot, inside some bar*  
Jacob: No, I'm not getting Dave drunk on his birthday for my own evil purposes. Why do you ask?  
*quick montage to 'I Don't Believe It' of Dave pounding back shotglass after shotglass*  
Dave's liver: *collapses*  
Dave: You know what the fellow says - *downs a shot* drink and be merry, for tomorrow we die!  
Guy in bar: It's not that funny when it's true, man.  
*New shot, guys on some random street*  
Jacob: *poking Dave's mouth* C'mon, I'm gonna make you puke, this'll be funny-  
Dave: *feebly waving Jake off* No...you don't...  
Jacob: I'ma *make* you puke. Dan in a thong, man!  
Dave: *turns green* Fuckyou-  
*New shot, Dave leaning against the cursed van*  
Jacob: C'mon Dave, tell the camera what you said.  
Dave: *blows cigarette smoke to camera* Uh...line? I'm kinda bein' fucked with here.  
Jacob: *now tackling Dave* Let us fuck you, it's your birthday!  
DarchangelSkye: *swears on her grave she did not make that up* *swoons*  
*New shot, Jake and Dave smacking each other back and forth in the Van That Would Not Die*  
Tom: They don't call it a BITCHslap for nothing.  
Jacob: *with Dave practically crawling on him* How did this escalate?!  
*New shot, Dave stumbles in random alley*  
Dave: I... I think I'm gonna hurl!  
Chris: *filming* I say hurl. If you blow chunks and she comes back, she's yours. If you spew and she bolts, then it was never meant to be.  
Dave: *tosses cookies*  
Jacob: Mind if I hold back your hair...oh, wait.  
*New shot, Dave leaning against that damn van again- were you expecting the Oval Office?*  
Jacob: *proffers water bottle* C'mon man, drink up.  
Dave: I said Dasani water, bitch! *spits in his face* And don't even think of cleaning that off.  
Jacob: *gobsmacked*  
Tom: I think we need to play Dave's N 'Sync tapes backwards and see what kind of demonic messages he's gotten into.  
*New shot, Jake finally carrying a limp Dave back to the hotel*  
Dave: *slurring* Have you ever walked on stilts? It's not that great- *hic*  
Jacob: That's right, honey. *leans him against room door* Don't move.  
Dave: *passes out*  
Jacob: That'll do.  
*New shot, interview with Jake*  
Jacob: Yeah, I love Dave very much, wouldn't trade him for the world, grade-A friend- hey, when do we start filming?  
Sim: It's filming now.  
Jacob: ...

*skip ahead, skip ahead, "Closing" starts. Fade in, interview with Chris*  
Chris: I swear, we're genuine male rock'n'roll hooligans-  
*New shot, some random backstage*  
Jacob: Who's been using my mascara, I just killed an eyelash!  
Chris: *in pearl necklace, not making this up* I've got a hangnail!  
Dave: My hose has a run!  
Tommy: *applying tongue rouge* Bleh.  
*New shot, interview with Tom*  
Tommy: Yep, there's a lot of stories to tell ~~and I just *know* some rabid pack of females is starting on 'em already~~...  
*New shot, interview with Dave*  
Dave: Is it too femmy to say we've got the best job in the world?  
Sim: Little late for that, dude.  
*Second-to-last new shot, interview with Jake*  
Jacob: Don't fuck with me, man, you're not filming this now?  
Sim: I'm not.  
Jacob: OK. Honestly, they're my best friends, and we're the four luckiest guys in the world.  
Sim: *uncovers red light*  
Jacob: Fucker- *pounces*  
*quick montage to 'Villain', no lip-synching but plenty of crowd shots, hijinks, and _boyhugging_. You're welcome*  
*Last new shot, guys crammed on one hotel bed*  
Tommy: Alright, end of the DVD! Y'ain't gotta go home, but you can't stay here!  
Chris: Yeah, we're kinda full to capacity.  
Jacob: *protective growl* All mine, bitches.  
*blackout, giggle, unidentified groan*  
Dave: Hey, get the camera out!

men. :p


End file.
